Hail to the Commander-and-Chief, bitches.


Washington DC, President Bush and a handful of his key advisors surprised the nation today by announcing a complete troop pullout from Iraq starting today.  When asked for the reasoning behind this decisions, President Bush replied, "Well, here in the White House we've been playing these, whattaya call 'em?  'Video Games,' and by golly, it turns out it's just as fun as declaring war on a foreign nation."

Apparently Valve's Valentine Day gift of the Orange Box caught the President at just the right moment and he decided to throw it into the computer to give it a shot.  After spending several hours on tech support, eventually talking to Gabe Newell himself, Mr. Bush managed to get a game started.  "Y'see," President Bush said, "the first couple of hours were tough.  I was either pointing the gun straight up into the sky or right at the ground and getting my ass handed to me by 5th graders.  It was a bit of a struggle." 

When he got the hang of it, Mr. Bush soon called in some of his top advisors for an impromptu LAN party.  "I'd just finished the 3rd season of Lost and I get this phone call," said Donald Rumsfeld, "and it's George asking me to come play some video games.  I thought about it for a moment before saying, 'Sure George, just let me get some pants on."

Rumsfeld and Bush were soon joined by Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and eventually Condoleeza Rice.  "We invited Powell, of course," said Cheney, a bit disdainfully, "but that pussy can't handle real competition.  We went with Condi instead, since we knew we'd at least be able to beat her.  You know, being a woman and all."   Cheney then grinned at the memory.  "You know, I thought shooting a man in real life would be the pinnacle of my life.  Turns out a virtual headshot can be just as satisfying."

Tempers flared now and again, White House staffers said, and one source who would prefer to remain anonymous said that at one point Rice called her boss a "spawn-camping son-of-a-bitch," but when the Bush twins showed up with the booze and pot, things mellowed out considerably.  Lucky Steam players who were able to take on the White House team, or the "Oval Office Cornholers," found it cathartic to run down the President and his cronies with blowtorches and sniper rifles.  One player, who called himself Ralphie, insisted on talking to Condoleeza Rice, asking her if she was really a girl, and if she wanted to talk somewhere else on IM.

As the evening progressed and the liquor and weed started to flow more freely, Bush drunk-dialed General David Petraeus and told him and the troops to "get their asses home on the next bus," later adding that he "really loved you guys."

In a hungover press conference this morning, the President confirmed his decision.  "Now I know this is a surprise, but this game was just way more fun than sending young men and women to do the fighting and dying just so we could compensate for our daddies getting us out of Vietnam."  Bush then chuckled to himself, adding, "I don't mind telling y'all that I feel a little sheepish."