phase1phaser

Review: Bionic Commando Rearmed

Will Ooi — 2008-08-17T23:08:12Z

So this is what Bionic Commando was like. Having never played the original 1989 NES game, opting instead for a Sega Master System II (hey, II sure beats I) in the 8 bit generation, I always wondered why my Nintendo buddies raved on about it. And the reason? The absolute awesomeness in controlling a character with a grappling hook bionic arm, a brilliant gameplay gimmick that existed at just about the perfect time when action movies were all the rage; in between a bit of Predator and Terminator 2, the ability to swing like you were invincible may well have been a young boy's ultimate fantasy. You know, back before other things start entering your mind post-puberty.

So how well does the bionic arm hold up these days, where almost every game has a cover system of some sort and 2D platformers, no matter how great, often fail to break even? First off, the presentation is top notch. The intro sequence, complete with remixed 8 bit music which kicks serious arse, blew me away, and the artwork is brilliant. After consulting Youtube for clips of the original BC, it's also good to see that all the grammatical mistakes and quirkiness of the NES version have been replaced by a form of English that at least makes sense, with the developers even poking fun at the idiosycrasies of that game; and in my book self deprecating humour is always welcome. Particularly when you're out to rescue a guy named Super Joe, which may have been cool in the pre-LOL days.

As soon as you start the game, you realise something pretty crucial: Spencer, the red-haired green suit wearing guy you control, cannot jump. Marcus Fenix and Dom can't either, but they didn't have to worry about pits of death that bounced you around helplessly until you died. You can't even jump over a barrel, meaning that the only option is to either grappel it to use as a shield or a thowable weapon, or rappel up to a conveniently placed ledge. Which makes me think, with adult cynicism, when the bad guys realise that the only real weapon this dude has is the ability to grab and swing, why not just get rid of all the ledges and make the ceilings extra high? You can tell I never played this when I was a kid.

Graphically, Rearmed looks fantastic, and the remodeled environments paying homage to the original's colour pallettes will often make you stop and glance at the wonderful neon 80's-ness of it all. Certain stages even contain silhouette type sections which makes me think of Jean Claude Van Damme fighting that guy with the spurs on his boots in Double Impact. Well, hey, if you grew up with that stuff it haunts you forever okay?

You also realise pretty early on that this game is bloody hard. I mean, seriously hard. I even began to question whether this generation of games just make it too easy for us - people just want results nowadays, bang bang bang, and so in that respect it's pleasing that these old school games with old school difficulty levels are coming out, Braid being a good recent example. But man, were games back then really this reliant on trial and error? Using the bionic arm to hang on ledges is fair enough, but the sheer precision required when you need to pull off the more advanced moves is crazy. Infuriatingly crazy. And if you think you can make it through all 60 or so Challenge Rooms for an easy points addition to your Gamerscore, forget about it.

2 player co-op and 4 player local deathmatch style local multiplayer adds longevity after you finish the game, and the potential fun to be had is enormous. Potential, because it all depends on skill and timing, facets that you and your friends may need brushing up on after getting so used to the easy wins in Call of Duty 4 thanks to the one ridiculously good player on your team.

Generalissimo Kilt - shorlt after that son of a bitch Bison in the Street Fighter movie had his ass kicked so hard by Van Damme, this Bison-wannabe is, presumably, feeling it

The surprising thing is that the bionic arm gimmick never gets old. Frustrating yes, but you won't get tired of it. It's the controls, however, that really mess with you after a while: standing still lets you shoot your grappel diagonally, pushing forward sends it out horizontally, and holding up shoots it vertically, and yet when it comes to the crucial moments, no matter how well you have visualised your plan of attack beforehand, one wrong move could mean game over.

Overall, Bionic Commando Rearmed is a great release/remake with enough humour, old school playability, fantastic music, and satisfaction when you pull off a difficult manouvre to make all the controller-throwing temptations worth it, if only just. And if it all gets too much, just be thankful that you can at least save the game now: if I had to play through the whole damn thing after stuffing up the final level, I would cry.nostalgic tears whilst reminiscing of the great 8 bit era, with all these happy memories fading fast when I remember how difficult things were back before cover systems, favourable checkpoints, and the amazing, astonishing ability to jump.

What Happens in the Dark Should Stay in the Dark

Sam Beck — 2008-08-15T19:45:36Z

Review: Alone in the Dark by Matthew Mason

"Here I am, again... Alone, in the Dark...this is retarded."

Call me David Duchovny, because damn it; I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe that Atari’s Alone in the Dark redux was going to be what I, and more importantly long time fans, have been hoping it would be. That being a seedy and evil monster mystery set in the already scary in the light Central Park of New York City. Add to the disaster meets zombies idea with fresh and innovative DVD-like options that let you fast-forward, scene select and get recaps a la a television drama and you have the trappings of what could be a beautiful rebirth of a much neglected franchise. If only Eden’s execution was half as good as their ambition.

I want to tell you about the intriguing plot that revolves around Edward Carnby trying to figure out what the hell is going on; but no matter what good would slip from my mind and onto this review will quickly get eclipsed by the nonsense I had to deal with to find it. Apparently French people think we American’s say fuck a lot; every two sentences spoke contained it. If Carnby came circa the 1930’s, would he really use that type of language? Did it even exist!? Maybe he caught a few reruns of Deadwood before the world collapsed around him. Even though the games vernacular was quite small, at least it was easy on the eyes; graphically and stylistically Alone in the Dark is sound

Literally ripping pages from Resident Evil 4, the controls totally smack of Capcom’s work. Taking their plagiarism one step further, they at least saw fit to add an admittedly neat inventory selection that has you looking down into your coat to fumble for things. Unfortunately this isn’t an option to pause; enemies whose names end in “z” will still give you the one-two when you’re busy looking for a lighter. Easily remedied when you realize you can press the left or right bumper to quick pick; but then you realized that the inventory system is yet another innovation pissed down the drain by uselessness.

Not that getting hit is exclusively an issue when you’re digging into your jacket. The hit detection in Alone in the Dark is atrocious. I can’t even count the times I was hit by hands that didn’t come close to touching me, or falling off edges or into electric water when I shouldn’t have or the disconnect between anything I swung around at anything I was swinging at. And then there’s the numerous driving portions that were so painful I’d rather get titty twisters with pliers than be forced to play them again. It’s no wonder there’s a fast-forward function. And the coup de grace of disgrace goes to the fact that the majority of the achievements are null and void if you use any of the DVD features. Not a game breaking bug less than a personal annoyance; it just feels like salt to the wound in an already torturous experience.

"Going somewhere? Oh that's interesting, because my vast array of fire-based weaponry says otherwise."

Alone in the Dark is a prime example of promise over execution. I can applaud Eden for going out on a limb and trying something different with a genre that gets regurgitated often. But for every commendment I want to give them for their game, I have take twice as many stabs pointing out that no matter how noble your cause, it means nothing if you don’t deliver. Better luck next time.

Editor note: Matthew is a guest writer for Phase1Phaser, when he isn't busy playing everything under the sun and being awesome, he also writes for the fantastic game site World 1-1 The games site you should already have bookmarked, and your number one stop when we're too lazy to update here. Which is all the damn time.

Also the caption douchebaggery is courtesy of me, not Matthew, he's way too clever to have written that bullshit.

Swearing at Neon Shapes - a Geometry Wars Evolved 2 Review

Will Ooi — 2008-08-02T23:34:15Z

I've tried studying its movements, to no avail. I've tried alternating my right thumb shooting patterns to keep it on its toes, but more often than not it's me who comes off second best. And everytime a whole bunch of them are on screen, I've tried carving out a path, holding them back with firepower and frantically bolting for the temporary space I've created only to get cut down by the one green rhombus from the pack who decides to rush me. Do they possess hive intelligence? Some sort of psychic ability? Because no matter what I do, it's almost always them that get me.

The addiction of Geometry Wars Evolved 2 presents itself in constantly making you believe that, no matter how well you did in your last game, you can always do better. A lot better. There is a sense of injustice when you get taken out by an enemy you saw die, or at least, you believed it was dead. And in highlighting the shape that killed you when your little claw-shaped ship explodes into light and lustre, you want to come back, Charles Bronson style, for some sweet sweet vengeance.

The gameplay is immensely deep: you start to learn about how to navigate past certain shapes, and how best to take them out. You turn into a bully, destroying the easier ones in order to get to the tougher varieties. And of course, you learn about picking up the dropped 'geoms' of vanquished enemies - the vitally important score multipliers. Before you know it, what was once an overload of colour and confusion becomes the norm after practice and patience. You start getting 'in the zone,' seeing only what you need to see, and process this information in your brain at a ridiculous rate. You will then continue to dream about the shapes, tactics for victory. These shapes will invade your life.

Looking back on the first game it was fairly limited: only one gameplay mode was available and that would eventually get to a stage where there would just be a tumultuous, mad rush in enemy shapes that would suit players of a particular skill set. I was not one of those players, but, given the crazily high scores of many on my Live friends list, others were.

GWE2 goes so much further to offer 6 different modes, all brilliant in their own right, where players are able to find the best mode to suit their own styles. For me, my best mode is the one where you don't shoot - Pacifism - and instead lure your enemy into 'gates', one of the many new additional objects in the sequel. The closest the game comes to a 'story mode' of any description would probably be in Sequence, where you have to try and make it through 20 levels of ever increasing difficulty. For those who enjoy video game nightmares, Waves gets to the point where panic sets in. But, again, learn the patterns, know your strengths and limitations, and you could master it. Because you know you can.

While there is no online multiplayer, probably due to the effects even the slightest lag would have on this game, local multiplayer supporting four players in versus or co-op is available. But the most surprising thing is, after having a few friends over to play it, how much of a 'spectator game' it turned out to be, complete with sound effects: the oohs and aahs came regularly, the phwoars at near miss escapes, the angry awwws at unexpected deaths. And the best thing? No one has to wait long for a go, but at the same time, if someone is having a good turn we want them to absolutely kill it.

But the most addictive thing out of all in this game? The online friend leaderboards. GWE2 takes you back to what is practically the origin of 'old school' arcade gaming, where high scores meant everything. Already, I have been pushed beyond my expected ability thanks to the intense competition from online buddies as we all battle it out for top spot. The friends leaderboard within the game is so well implemented that, upon waking up and deciding to have 'just a quick one before work,' the discovery that someone managed to thoroughly demolish your previous best score provokes an unrelenting, powerful desire to beat it whilst making full use of the Xbox Live messenging system and calling in sick.

In conclusion, get this game. Become the neon shape destroyer you were born to be. But be very, very careful around those tricky, unpredictable green bastard rhombi.

Candid Confessions From An Achievement Points Chaser

Will Ooi — 2008-07-14T08:30:52Z

Back in the day before Xbox 360 Achievements (and now PS3 Trophies), completing certain tasks in gaming were only done to attain a level of accomplisment and pride that existed at the very core of video games. After all, why else would we even bother playing anything in the first place if there was no sense of success or closure in what we did, especially given that memory cards weren't around back then and if you died it meant starting all over again from the very beginning and you had to challenge those deformed freaks in Rock Paper Scissors in Alex Kidd again (and lose, repeatedly) until your child self wept?

These sons of bitches caused me so much grief as a kid

Those core incentives of reaching gaming perfection could be from, say, finishing Sonic the Hedgehog and finding all the Chaos Emeralds (something I never managed and am still bitter about to this day - I only had one left and I could see it but couldn't get to it) or trying to get the highest score possible in the original Mario and writing it down on ripped-out exercise book pages in between crude drawings of Street Fighter's Zangief and "pee pee" figures and comparing it (the pee pees) with school buddies who wouldn't believe you anyway. Oh the bygone era where the internet and online stat tracking were yet to be realised, how did we even survive? These days I find myself comparing gamerscores with iceblast21, ignipotentbrendan, and of course, zumafire, of whose lofty statuses I can only dream of reaching as I stalk their pages in a non-Facebook setting.

Mr T was really popular back then

All those reasons for gaming valour, the honesty and purity of the challenge, started to become altered when 360 achievements came along...enter the "Achievement Whore", i.e. those who play games just for the points. This isn't a criticism of anybody as I myself often find that I'm guilty of playing through titles for the points, too. But man, I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to hire Avatar for the free thousand points, that just seems... excessive.

Case in point: as much as I enjoyed Call of Duty 4, I have never experienced as harsh an exercise in ridiculous futility as when playing through the whole game on Veteran difficulty. There were so many times, corresponding to the number of my deaths in-game, that I just wondered "Why am I doing this? For a few hundred virtual points?" Ultimately I soldiered on until the game became downright annoying and the inconsistent spawning of checkpoints was clearly not synchronised with the ridiculous numbers of enemies who never stopped flooding towards you with perfect aim. I eventually finished it but have not done the epilogue plane mission on Veteran because NO! Just, no.

An example of downright bad achievements would be for Pro Evolution Soccer 2008 where a host of them were dedicated to online play and yet the online lag rendered matches so unplayably bad that getting those points was more an exercise in blind luck and frustration rather than what surely should have been a focus on good competition. Another required you to commit one foul or less in ten straight games, which was just unfair given how whistle-happy the referees are in the game and the only way to get that achievement is to play in an unfeasibly unattractive keep-ball way that opposed the very principles of the sport. All that for 25 points too when buying FIFA 08 would have been the better option.

There are also times when achievements get in the way of gameplay, particularly in sandbox titles where the chances are that you will end up getting them naturally over time anyway, and at your own pace, but because it's there on the list you may go out of your way JUST to attain them. I found that when I was playing through Bully Scholarship Edition, GTA IV and Saint's Row, I would definitely become a bit too achievements-focused and it had a negative impact on the way I usually approached these games: performing so many wedgies in quick succession and storing a crazy amount of cars in my garage that, as soon as they were done, all the fun was gone in doing them again. I mean, why bother? These type of achievements tend to kill the fun a bit when you've reached the goal and its as if gamers are being held to ransom by them.

I've got to say though, as conflicted as I may feel about achievement points, it has in some cases enhanced the gaming experience. For instance, I was so very close to trading in Assassin's Creed after I heard the words "I only wish my sons were as brave as you" for the thousandth time but hung on and finished the game just to score some points before trading it in. Ultimately, my opinion of the title had improved: it wasn't utterly atrocious but at the same time certainly not very good, resulting in a game that was just barely worth keeping.

I liked the stealth-method too

Currently I'm busy on Rainbow Six Vegas 2's achievements, which have been beneficial in terms of improving my level of skill: having to kill 100 online opponents with a pistol was definitely a long haul but I do think I'm a better player because of it. Although as soon as that was achieved I went straight back to my preferred weapon - I cannot stress how relieved I was to get that one over and done with, and again, now that the achievement has been reached I doubt I'll be handgunning it again anytime soon for the fun of it. As for the dodgy achievement which requires you to own an Xbox Live Camera and put yourself in the game, there is no way I'm buying one of those just for the sake of 20G unless there is a bona fide reason to get one.

Personally I do prefer it if game achievements rewarded you in different and original ways: you will always get them for finishing the game of course, but it helps when they encourage you to 'discover' things as well. Crackdown is a much-cited example of coaxing the player into playing through in a different style to what they may have been accustomed to, and the Bully Scholarship Edition achievements expanded on that, particularly with 'Over the Rainbow', the one about kissing members of the same sex a certain number of times. Bioshock encouraged us to find all the audio diaries, and in doing so helped draw you in further to the world of Rapture. Dead Rising made you play through the story mode multiple times with different objectives and hence see more of what they created (but on that note, playing Survival Mode and staying alive for 7 days which equated to something like 14 real life hours was just not on. Not on).

So why is that gamerscore so important to so many of us? What about the guys who have hundreds and thousands of points? Do they actually play through games for the sake of fun or just for the points? Many of my Live buddies have formidable tallies, as above; others are clearly very anti-gamerscore points and only have the default achievements that come practically automatically with their games. I wish I could play through titles unmarred and unaffected by the lure of virtual points, but I just cannot help myself sometimes as the whole sense of reward and accomplishment has me hooked like Pavlov and his dogs. 15G might not be much, but it sure does beat going through Alex Kidd in Miracle World for the 23rd time only to be outdone by two fingers stuck up at you, followed swiftly by death.

Please share your experiences with Achievements, I'd love to hear from you all.

Review: Buzz Hollywood

Sam Beck — 2008-07-02T02:46:29Z

To me, the idea of a "party" game is completely baffling.

Because apparently, unlike the losers who work hard to make my games, I don't go to parties where people sit around and play games. Sorry. I don't. (Usually my idea of a party is the one where at some point a drunken guest decides he has what it takes to join the circus and will demonstrate this set of skills to everyone in attendance. Typically, utilizing a chandelier and booze courage (Actually what really happens is the drunkest guy there finds out I am into games and decides to talk about how much "Madden fucking RULES bro!" at me until he just sort of starts drooling and I walk away, but that's really neither here nor there).). (eds note - you have to be fucking kidding me, double parenthesis... a new low).

But if one were in the situation in which video games were required to move an awkward social situation out of the suburbs of Dullsville and into the actual metropolitan area, look no further than Buzz: Hollywood.

The Buzz series is a line of trivia games straight out of the fun factories of Sony Europe, and the Hollywood edition plays out exactly like a game of Scene It, only this time featuring a genuinely funny, but insanely repetitive game show host Buzz. While the host's jokes are legitimately funny, at first, they become stale by the third game, and you will want to murder him.

"Hi, I'm Buzz, I'll host the shit out of your face. The is until the third game when you will have heard all of my jokes and will wish that I were a real person, featuring real teeth. Because if I were you could smash them in with a tube sock full of quarters."
When it gets down to the important part of any trivia game, the questions, Buzz Hollywood shines. The standard level questions are just the right difficulty so that anyone with a passing knowledge of movies can hold their own, while still remaining hard enough that movie nerds will feel a sense of justification for their knowledge. Those same film buffs will also be glad to know there is a hard mode that is legitimately ass-kicking hard. I would say that I gained a pretty decent knowledge of movie trivia while working at a video store and still managed to receive an old school ass pummeling. Needless to say the harder mode will kick your dick in, no matter how much you think you know about movies. Also there are about a bazillion questions, meaning you won't be seeing repeats.

The buzzer controllers, ("oh hi") make everything far less intimidating to those non-gamers who are sure to be along for the trip, which couples nicely with the easy to understand game show format.

For a "party" game, the real key isn't necessarily being a great game, rather about presenting opportunities for players to have a good time together. This is what Buzz Hollywood is incredibly good at. It took forever, but I eventually rounded up a few friends to sit around and play the game, and we had a blast.

The heated battle for first place that resulted in the sole form of communication between my roommate Andy and I being exchanged middle fingers was perhaps only rivaled by the fact that by the end of the game his girlfriend was almost in tears. Mostly in part due to a combination of my extreme scorn, her inability to make her fingers push the correct colored button with any consistency or speed and her absolute lack of movie knowledge.

God that ruled.

Reviewing Buzz Hollywood is like reviewing a Ford Pinto.

"Sweet Jesus end my life!"

Do you punish the car for being a cheap piece of shit, because that is what is it? Or do you reward the Pinto for being exactly what it set out to be, a champion in the field of cheap piece of shit cars?

Similarly, Buzz Hollywood is a tough call, it's not a particularly good game. The host is fucking annoying, the game is absolutely zero fun if you are not playing with a room full of people and in reality the game itself isn't what is providing the fun, it is the friends you play it with. But then again, Buzz Hollywood is very good at creating opportunities for you to have fun with those people...

I'd say as far as "party" games are concerned, Buzz Hollywood is a winner, because at least it isn't like Mario Party 8 where the game repeatedly asks you and your friends to see who is the fastest at shaking a can of soda, in a motion that conversely reveals to everyone at the party just who is the best at jacking off a dick.

And that shit's awkward as fuck.

Feature: Saints ROwned? Why Saints Row 2 Might Well Be a GTA IV Killer

Will Ooi — 2008-06-23T07:49:12Z

"Pompous" comments regardless, there's a reason why Volition, the developers of Saints Row, are feeling so confident even if they delayed the release of the upcoming Saints Row 2 to steer clear of the GTA IV effect. Having played through Rockstar's epic twice and enjoyed every minute of it, I needed another sandbox hit of some description between now and the release of the much-touted DLC and so decided to opt for the budget Saints Row, a title I had been previously sceptical of. My reaction is "wow".

Now pardon me if you've heard similar comments elsewhere (especially from Glassadam's brilliantly honest blog), but it seems that, with GTA IV, for every advancement Rockstar made it came at the expense of a familiar gameplay characteristic from the earlier games in the series: indeed IV created a magnificent, unforgettable, realistic environment - at the cost of sacrificing the over the top fun of San Andreas; the emphasis on the new Euphoria physics and animation engine ended up slowing down the "gunplay" fun fans had come to love from previous GTA's when, say, frantically shooting rockets on a 5 star wanted level.

Whether this choice to focus on realism will become a staple in future games in the series is debatable: from what I've seen, fans seem to be split down the middle as to how great GTA IV actually is. Some say it's a masterpiece, others feel disappointed (and then there's the talk of it being "overrated"!) - I must admit that after playing Saints Row my opinion has, with the benefit of hindsight, gone from strongly in support of the former but is now beginning to slide, ever so slowly, towards somewhere in the middle.

By making fun of the side quests in GTA IV as opposed to what will be available in Saints Row 2, Volition have, and it pains me to say this given my love for pretty much all of Rockstar's releases, got quite a good case here. Whilst I loved being able to take my friends bowling, visiting the comedy club, and doing tasks like finding the vehicles for Brucie and Steve and the random character missions, all these are made to feel rather un-GTA'ish next to even just the insurance fraud activity in Row, a crazily inventive side quest straight out of the Rockstar manual. I even thought to myself, "GTA's been out-GTA'd here".

There's no denying that Saints Row is, to put it nicely, 'inspired' by GTA, San Andreas in particular, but Volition made a game that's just pure fun and doesn't take itself at all seriously, whereas Rockstar, seemingly content with their achievements to date, opted to maybe take themselves too seriously. It says something when, after going from jet packs and parachutes and Area 51 in GTA:SA, doing the final mission in GTA IV and jumping from a moving vehicle onto a helicopter just seemed so out of place...implausible. Unrealistic! Comical even! But isn't that the GTA we know?

Story-wise, GTA IV's plot was outstanding and beats Saints Row's hands down, no question, but that's just the thing: Row knows that it's all a joke, a satire of GTA itself possibly; whereas GTA IV, even though it knows it's still a GTA game, is this time preoccupied with being a "realistic" version of it's own satire, if that makes any sense.

San Andreas was, for many, the pinnacle of the series where players were able to act out the most ridiculous and unrealistic events possible, from ramping off the grand canyon to customising CJ into an obese, half naked fella who went around killing people with a massive pink dildo. Rockstar surely realised the fun players had in these options, but decided to go for a change of pace; a fresh start to reset the series. An amazing achievement GTA IV is, certainly, but a real fan-divider too. As Glassadam pointed out, character customisations were stripped almost entirely when compared to San Andreas, and yet Saints Row simply expanded on this and many of the other fun aspects that made the previous GTA "that special [something]" and came up with a winner.

For a game that came out exactly two years before GTA IV it may show its age now, especially after playing the latter, but Saints Row added features to the sandbox genre that were almost completely overlooked and uncredited when the hype for IV came flooding in: waypoints on the map, being able to fly out of your windscreen in a head-on crash, getting drunk, online play, and even a mobile phone - albeit not implemented in-game but there nonetheless...features that were added by Rockstar and contributed greatly to the success of their game. Now, God forbid, I'm not saying Rockstar copied Saints Rows ideas as, after all, to put it more nastily this time round, Saints Row 'rips off' the entire concept of its existence from Rockstar to begin with, but certainly these were seen as welcome additions and taken aboard as appropriate?
So where now for Rockstar? They've set a high benchmark in the design of future sandbox games but in choosing to go down the path of ultra realism (resulting the omission of planes and remote-controlled explosive cars but including a non-functional carnival: all this in the name of realism seems very harsh indeed), is there any coming back being "wacky" again? Or is that too much of an admission of error? Will they stick to their guns and be as innovative and different as they can be from their imitators, Saints Row included?

Volition may well have the upper hand when it comes to the fun factor (if not marketing budget), especially if Rockstar has decided to cull the over the top nature of GTA that made GTA the phenomenon it is today, giving future Row sequels the incentive to go down the opposite route: to be as ridiculously fun and crazy as they can be, maybe even more so, however unoriginal in concept. It seems as if Saints Row fans know exactly what they will be getting when 2 comes out at the end of the year...for GTA fans, what comes next is as mysterious to us as what that DLC will end up being.

Spore Creature Creator, AKA How Many Penis Monsters Can I Create

Sam Beck — 2008-06-17T21:35:50Z

Everyone knows that Spore is gonna be absolutely flush with penis monsters.

I hope, that in the fictional timeline in which the game is actually released, everyone will want to share their creatures with me, because all they will be getting in return is fucked dick monsters like this.

[via kotaku]

Feature: Taking Cover - a look at this gen's cover system mechanics

Will Ooi — 2008-06-06T04:56:04Z

Every game that comes out nowadays with a cover system is always, inevitably, compared to Gears of War. You hear it everywhere: previews and reviews of Mass Effect, Rainbow Six Vegas, even GTA IV, where the 'new' cover system is described, often incorrectly, as being 'just like Gears'. But nothing could be just like Gears, the game that, although it didn't invent it, certainly popularised the cover system's (over?)usage this generation.

Here's a closer look at the cover system featured in these games and, what the hell, mini reviews of each.

"I know, there's something about 'CliffyB that I don't like either"

Gears of War:

Pressing A to slam your back against walls and conveniently-placed cement blocks functioned like a dream, and, considering how holding down the same button allowed you to run, performing your run-gun-and-cover tactics worked well. I don't get the criticism about the run and cover buttons being mapped to the same key though: I mean, just let it go and press it again! Not hard! Story, huh? More just an excuse for action set pieces, really. Nobody's mansion is that bloody big and filled with cover and flanking spots, surely.

Safe Cover:

Extremely easy to use, and the blind-fire and popping-out-to-shoot systems worked great in the all out carnage environment that most of us have come to love.

Bad Cover:

Blind-firing is maybe a bit too accurate and throwing grenades is a bit dodgy when you want to throw them far and can't see where they'll land. Jumping is initially tricky too as I spent a good five minutes one my first playthrough on the tutorial level just figuring out where to bloody go after you pick up those grenades. Oh wait, there is no jump is there? Well even if it is aerially-challenged, Marcus and Gears paved the way for the cover system that's now used in practically every third-person (and even first-person) shooter that came after it.

[Insert Name] Shepard, male version: "Why do all those NPCs perform that 'fist slapping on open palm' gesture?"

Mass Effect:

Pressing up on the left stick when close to a wall just doesn't cut it, to be frank. The battle system often turns psychotic and the fact that a hundred things are going on at the same time and you can get killed quicker than it takes to type a forlorn 'WTF?' doesn't help either. While you're busy frantically getting used to pressing LB or RB to respectively change weapons or selecting skills, the action is made more tolerable through the sheer quality of the story and fictional universe and, to be fair, once you actually use those skills like you're supposed to it does help things make more sense.

Safe Cover:

The cover system is pretty shoddy but made up for by a great overall story. Lucky, because If this were any other game the mechanic would be potentially destructive. Like Kane & Lynch, although I don't think anyone got sacked over reviews for ME.

Bad Cover:

Just don't use it, get Liara to heal everyone and you'll be right.

"I found Joanna Torres' voice really annoying, too"

Rainbow Six Vegas 1 & 2:

A truly excellent cover system where the L2/LT button takes on great significance. Seeing your first-person controlled character switch to the third-person perspective is a great touch, especially in the middle of, say, a hefty 'light' machine gun reload animation. Strict blind-fire adds much to the tension and makes you play with considerably more skill than your typical shooter, and the story, whilst hardly engrossing, serves its purpose in a 'oh hostages? Go silent' kinda way.

Safe Cover:

Easy to use and as realistic as a shooter can get, R6V2 also introduced COD4-style sprinting and 'temporary' cover that you can shoot through, with the latter hence making you think twice before hiding behind that sheet of balsa wood. Playing R6V even makes going back to the mighty COD4 seem a bit of a step down when you find yourself constantly strafing from side to side to avoid getting hit.

Bad Cover:

Blind-firing is arguably not accurate enough: you tend to find this out the hard way when you're pinned down and enemies/other players charge towards you and you're down to your last two shells of that damned SPAS 12 and it's taking too long to reload and ARGHHHH!! etc, but my annoyances are more with the completely unfair enemy spawn points when doing Terrorist Hunt...think you're safe? You're not. Snaked. From behind.

"No I can't hang out with you, cousin, I'm stuck behind this wall"

GTA IV:

Possibly the most hyped game ever, we were all looking forward to the cover system in a GTA environment. But perfect scores regardless, it fails: the aiming controls lock something severe when you take cover, rendering you unable to focus your crosshairs for the first few seconds. And God forbid if an enemy decides to flank you and you have to perform complex tasks like 'get out of cover', which leads swiftly to receiving a 'replay mission?' text on your phone. The Euphoria system introduced great (but by no means perfect) character animations, but did Niko really have to be so heavy? Try running in a small circle...just try it.

Safe Cover:

Well you could see what Rockstar were trying to do, but the end product isn't quite there. I still love the game all the same though, and doing those knee sliding moves when running to cover looks great...until you're stuck on the wrong side of a wall, then it takes too long to even turn around, and then you're dead (and then some kid starts laughing over Xbox Live, and then you decide to spend the rest of the night HUNTING HIM DOWN by hanging around the small respawn radius with an SMG). Then that kid submits a bad player review, saying you were unsporting, so you...oh wait, this should still be in those brackets, eh?

Bad Cover:

Flawed to the point of broken. Better than nothing maybe, but those are the words of the weak. It should have been tWEAKed at very least. Blind-firing is way too accurate too so it's tempting to just stick with that until everyone is eventually dead. Or are they? Some guys seem to get up after a while, even though I'm CERTAIN they copped one in the head.

Coming Back From the Grave.

Sam Beck — 2008-06-01T23:26:51Z

Contrary to what you may have though. Phase1phaser is not dead.

We are coming back, stronger than ever.

Expect a mind-blowing review of Buzz Hollywood in the next day or two. A Battle of the Bands and Alone in the Dark coming soon after that, along with news, rants, videos and general tomfoolery. Also, lots of anger and obscenities.

But until then check out out buds at World 1-1 they know their games and have game reviews on lock. Also, totally featuring ex-phase1 o'naut Matt.

Why haven't you been there already!?

Basically the status of phase1 right now. A zombie bunny.

GTA IV

Sam Beck — 2008-04-29T14:52:08Z

In case you didn't hear, GTA IV came out today. Expect no game news unrelated to the venerable series, on any outlet, for at least three days.

Maybe with this version they added the fun this time around so that it actually deserves the all the hype.

No probably not.

Zero Punctuation: Super Smash Bros. Brawl

Sam Beck — 2008-04-23T15:52:29Z

More updates are coming.

Shut up.

Zero Punctuation: Super Smash Bros. Brawl [escapist]

Crossover Hell: Mortal Kombat vs DC Comics

Will Ooi — 2008-04-19T10:30:54Z

Wow, less than a month after I wrote about the gaming crossover, here's one we didn't see coming! Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe! What??

"Koming soon"? Jeez, we are SO over the whole K thing already! How about just re-releasing that terrible MORTAL KOMBAT!!! techno song again while you're at it?

So before I get all cynical and rip into this news, I must admit that I loved MK as a kid, and just thinking about the series takes me back: writing down the fatality moves from Gamepro magazine and taking them to the arcades with me; being so so frightened of Baraka and the Dead Forest stage in MK2 (and of telling my mum that buying the Game Boy version was a waste of money and I wanted to take it back to the shop); memorising Sub Zero's 6-hit combo in Ultimate MK3 (what was up with that 'run' button, eh?); having a crush on Sonja Blade (Kerri Hoskins).

[Awkward Silence.]

So after playing 'classic' MK2 on my neighbour's PS3 and downloading the UMK3 demo from Xbox Live, I've come to the conclusion that, man, if there were any games that should be left untouched so as to preserve their dignity, it would be the Mortal Kombat ones. They have not aged well AT ALL and I feel cheated in a looking-back-on-one's-precious-childhood kinda way.

This isn't even to mention all those abominable LOL MK games: Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero, Mortal Kombat: Special Forces, Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks, Mortal Kombat: Trying to Milk This as Much as We Can Before the Bubble Bursts...you get the picture. DC have hardly come up with a decent game at all (Superman Returns, Superman 64, oh dear me) and, Batman Begins apart, a worthwhile film for, what, twenty years? Which makes me think of Sharon Stone in Catwoman. On a separate note, has anyone seen Superman III lately? It was on TV a while back over here and I was watching Richard Pryor mess about, not knowing it was a Superman film until Christopher Reeve showed up. A Complete Joke and a real-life WTF? moment right there.

This crossover smacks of pure desperation to me, and is anyone even going to care? All MK had going for it, as time has told us, were the fatalities: maybe the most controversial gimmick in gaming ever. As for DC, I hope they gain more out of this as there really ought to be a good Superman or Batman game out there, and this surely is not it.

So...what ridiculous features do you want to see in this game? Let's get a massive chain-combo (after pressing 'run') of ideas together! I'll start first: Johnny Cage punching Mr Freeze (Schwarzenegger version) in the balls!

HOME Release Date Hidden on Internet

Ryan Conat — 2008-04-16T13:06:34Z

"My HOME house is devoid of friends. Just like my offline life. Great... THANKS FOR NOTHING SONY!"

It seems that our good friends over at the Sony Corporationhave been hiding information about the release date of the popular onlinesocial community “Playstation HOME” in sites across the web.

Oh sure, there have been many theories as to the release date sinceit was promised to Sony’s dwindling, yet loyal, fanbase early 2007, yet onetheory stands above the rest.

Discovered in my booze fueled Facebook and randomwebsite surfing rampage, I came across dictionary.com‘s definition of Home.

–noun
1.   a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence ofna person, family, or household.
2.   the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.
3.   an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.
4.   the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.
5.   the place or region where something is native or most common.
6.   any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.
7.   a person's native place or own country.
8.   (in games) the destination or goal.
9.   a principal base of operations or activities: The new stadiumwill be the home of the local football team.
10.   Baseball. home plate.
11.   Lacrosse. one of three attack positions nearest the opposing goal.
–adjective
12.   of, pertaining to, or connected with one's home orcountry; domestic: home products.
13.   principal or main: the corporation's home office.
14.   reaching the mark aimed at: a home thrust.
15.   Sports. played in aball park, arena,or the like, that is or is assumed to be the center of operations of a team: The pitcher didn't lose a single home game all season. Compare away (def. 11).
–adverb
16.   to, toward, or at home: to go home.
17.   deep; to the heart: The truth of the accusation struck home.
18.   to the mark or point aimed at: He drove the point home.
19.   Nautical.
a.   into the position desired; perfectly or to the greatest possible extent: sails sheeted home.
b.   in the proper, stowed position: The anchor is home.
c.   toward its vessel: to bring the anchor home.
–verb (used without object)
20.   to go or return home.
21.   (of guided missiles, aircraft, etc.) to proceed, esp.under control of an automatic aiming mechanism, toward a specified target, as a plane, missile, or location (often fol. by in on): The missile homed in on the target.
22.   to navigate toward a point by means of coordinates otherthan those given by altitudes.
23.   to have a home where specified; reside.
–verb (used with object)
24.   to bring or send home.
25.   to provide with a home.
26.   to direct, esp. under control of an automatic aiming device, toward an airport, target, etc.
—Idioms
27.   at home,
a.   in one's own house or place of residence.
b.   in one's own town or country.
c.   prepared or willing to receive social visits: Tell him I'm not at home. We are always at home to her.
d.   in a situation familiar to one; at ease: She has away of making everyone feel at home.
e.   well-informed; proficient: to be at home in the classics.
f.   played in one's hometown or on one's own grounds: The Yankees played two games at home and one away.
28.   bring home to, to make evident to; clarify or emphasize for: The irrevocability of her decision was brought home to her.
29.   home and dry, British Informal. having safely achieved one's goal.
30.   home free,
a.   assured of finishing, accomplishing, succeeding, etc.: If we can finish more than half the work today, we'll be home free.
b.   certain to be successfully finished, accomplished, secured, etc.: With most of the voters supporting it, the new law is home free.
31.   write home about, to comment especially on; remark on: The town was nothing to write home about. His cooking is really something to write home about.

As you can see, after highlighting the key letters in the article, it clearly spells out “Home will be released in April.”

… Sony, you sly dog, thought youcould outsmart the gaming public! Wrong.

And yet there’s more to this puzzle. Do you really think the fact that there are 31 definitions for HOME is a coincidence? Well Sony's PR sure hopes you think there isn’t! It’s obvious that Playstation HOME will be released on April 31st of this year. Now, I know what you’re saying, 'But there are only 30 day in April, dumb-ass”.

WRONG: it’s a leap year. And it was right under our noses the entire time.

While they were at it, Sony decided to send out a little “fuck you” to their competition as well. Under the definition of #27 “at home” it clearly states (after highlighting the key letters again) “WII SUCKS”.

And where do most people play their Nintendo Wii? At home! Coincidence? I’ll let you be the judge, but this is one guy who knows better.

So next time you’re on message boards spamming made up release dates for your favorite upcoming Playstation 3 releases, maybe you should open your eyes and do a little research instead.

Zero Punctuation: Condemned 2 Bloodshot

Sam Beck — 2008-04-16T12:34:20Z

Wow, two Zero Punctuation posts in a row.

I understand that I've been totally slacking, but don't worry, updates are coming later today. Also, some changes that you might be seeing around here took a little planning. Thanks for sticking around.

Zero Punctuation: Condemned 2 Bloodshot [escapist]

Zero Punctuation: No More Heroes

Sam Beck — 2008-04-09T12:26:52Z

No, you know what Yahtzee, no matter how cool the concept and visuals were for Killer 7 was, that game was awful.

Or perhaps it's pretentiousness was enough of a substitute for fun to satisfy your gamer-art-fag sensibilities.

Doesn't matter, it was crap.

Zero Punctuation: No More Heroes [escapist]

Vocal Only Mega Man 3 Soundtrack and Sound Effects

Sam Beck — 2008-04-06T19:19:05Z

Over 6 minutes of the soundtrack and sound effects of Mega Man 3 replaced with incredibly high vocals.

It was funny for the first two minutes, or so, but then it just made me so mad that I wanted to tear a tabby cat in half. But I don't have a cat, so I tried to find one that I could purchase, and subsequently tear in half, off of Craig's List, but then the video ended and my anger subsided.

[via destructoid]

Kill Uwe Boll's Career, the Challenge Has Been Brought

Sam Beck — 2008-04-06T18:59:36Z

I'll be upfront with you, I have never seen an Uwe Boll movie. But I have worked at a movie rental outfit, and I have seen the pain riddled faces of people who have rented his movies. The best response ever was when I asked a customer what he thought of Bloodrayne: he looked me right in the eyes, his full of scorn and simply replied, "Fuck you" and walked out.

Awesome!

Surprisingly enough this did convince me to see his films. Strange how I don't want to spend two hours allowing House of the Dead to suck the life out of me.

But I can still hate him, because for every shitty movie with a video game as a basis, it makes the medium look that much worse in mainstream culture's eyes, and more funding is given to a hack director that could have gone towards some awesome. Or coke for studio execs. Either way, as long as Uwe doesn't get the money, everyone wins

Anyways, back on topic. Over at FEARnet.com, they caught up with Uwe for a quick Postal related interview. Which no one probably cares about because the movie is probably a shit-storm of terrible and awful. But what people should care about is the little nugget at the end of the interview.

Are you aware that there is a petition online, signed by 18,000 people, requesting that you stop making movies?

Yeah, I know that. 18,000 is not enough to convince me.

How many would it take?

One million. Now we have a new goal.

Hear that, haters? A challenge!

Let's make this happen, seriously, sign the petition.

Exclusive: FEARnet Interviews Director Uwe Boll [FEARnet via slashfilm]

New Red vs. Blue Trailer Is Really.... Yeah

Sam Beck — 2008-04-06T16:28:11Z

I'm not exactly the biggest Halo fan in the entire world, but that certainly doesn't stop me from finding the awesome machinima series, Red vs. Blue, hilarious.

The series zany humor is outrageously appealing, which makes the what-the-fuck-factor for this super serious trailer a little odd.

What the hell IS going on with this!?

Rooster Teeth Home Page [Rooster Teeth]

In Retrospect...: Neverwinter Nights

Andrew Hiscock — 2008-04-04T07:27:14Z

This screen shot is about as clear as the game itself. Good Luck.

With the demise of Gary Gygax (does not roll 20s), I decided to see what all the hub bub was about. And by hub bub, I mean inspiring the ruination of thousands of lives through LARPing (both observer and participant). So I get myself an early-ish BioWare title: Neverwinter Nights. Now I did not play it completion, but you may consider these opinions as full and complete as you'll get from me, cause I ain't touching it again.

The first half an hour or so was dedicated to creating an ugly, beat-ass dwarf named Slutjaws Slutjawian. Of course I could not make him as ugly as I wanted given the limited character customization options. And given the limited character customization options, I wonder how I spent half an hour making my character, but there you have it.

Then I set about picking attributes for my character, including skills feats and a variety of points to distribute. Having yet to play the game, and being a D&D universe virgin, this was akin to selecting a dinner from a menu written totally in Chinese.

But ol' Slutjaws, with his good natured crazy voice, managed to get into training, where I saw an immediate onslaught of control minutia that I had no hope of ever grasping. Finally, I learned how to fight, which amounted to "click to hit", a mechanic I am absolutely fine with, but I could not figure out what the rest of the foolishness was all about.

Of course my play time with the game was numbered, as actually fighting revealed to me how far down the rabbit hole this game was. Finding the combat not as smooth as I would have liked, I checked my own stats and my weapons. And they gave my damage in terms of dice rolls.

So I turned the game off forever.

Australian Roundup: GTAIV Censored

Will Ooi — 2008-04-03T23:59:22Z

Some more disappointing news for Australian gamers: the long awaited release of the new GTA in this country, while still to be released on the same date as the rest of you on the 29th of April, will be [Darth Vader music begins to play in the background] censored. AGAIN! Rockstar have produced a "special" version of the game, i.e. "inferior". Exactly what has been toned down/removed has not been revealed, but surely we can assume that its something to do with "mature content".

The classifications board here are idiots having censored ALL previous installments of the series so far (yes, even the top-down 2D ones back when Rockstar were still known as DMA Design) as well as getting all worked-up over nothing with the Hot Coffee scandal with the console versions of San Andreas (along with previously-mentioned shenanigans). So in denying Aussie GTA fans the chance to play the "real" game coupled with less-strict region-locking this gen, particularly with the PS3, it looks as if importing is our best bet.

As for me, I have a 360 and so region-formats are a bit up in the air. Plus I've pre-ordered it already (at almost double the price Americans will pay for it - link below). Sucks to be us.

GTA IV edited for Australia [Sydney Morning Herald]

You Want GTA IV Australia? That'll Be $120, Thanks [Kotaku Australia]